Reached a decision and I'm going to ask about Antabuse this week if I can get an appointment. I'm just so disappointed in myself and am damn tired of feeling that way. Luckily I forgive myself quickly, but it still adds up and I'd prefer to feel proud of myself more often. And if I need a little help getting there? No skin off my nose.
I wanted to do it on my own, but am having a lot of trouble breaking the habit. When I decided to ask about Antabuse I felt a great sense of relief and peace, so I think it's probably the right decision. It should give me a leg up, allow consistent non-drinking time under my belt, and help me change some patterns. And that would be a remarkable gift.
My husband asked whether I had really tried and frankly, I don't know. It seems like if I'd tried, I'd not be drinking. But I am. All I know is that when the decision is left to me, I drink. To know that drinking is simply an impossibility would be such a relief. Remove it from the equation entirely. To have that time to establish other habits, to reroute myself ... that's what I want. And I think Antabuse can help.
With the exception of a recent night out with friends, I've cut down and been waking up feeling energetic in the mornings. But that is not what this month was meant for. This month was for me to determine the extent of the problem and be accountable and go for help if needed. I don't think I need to let the month run out, do you?
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
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3 comments:
I think it's a great idea.. especially if you feel relief at the thought. Listen to your gut!
Love you
Dear sweet Meliss,
I had no idea. I am the last person from whom you want to read advice. I.... Yeah.
I'm going to call you after I post this comment. We're `both bugged by the Buzz, me more than you, obviously. You don't want to "get to my point."
I love you. I want you happy and healthy. Doesn't that sound familiar?
"Familiar." "Family." Do you dig?
We're not alcohol-savvy, as a family. We over-use. We can't moderate.
Listen: I know it's tough. I have been spiralling for the last year. I am writing this with a Mtn Dew filled half with wooud-caw.
Whispers: That means vodka.
Seriously. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do? I have alcohol problems. You, the family, Meegie, work ande the whole world know that. I want you not--NOT!--to go down the same path as I. It'd break my heart. Much like I've busted yours.
I'm going to call you and you're going to be the same bubbly Melissa you have always been. And will always be. You are stoic. Stoic!
For you to create this blog, it tells me that you are at your wit's end. That saddens me.
Seriously. Mos' def'.
I'm not the one to help, hon. I'd do more damage than good.
And...so it goes.
Said Kurt Vonnegut.
I had no idea, dear Meliss. I love you...exponentially.
The alcoholic's life is a hard one, older sis. I've yet to TRULY experience it. Four or five arrests? Pshaw. It could have been around 20.
I am a hypocrite. Hear me roar.
(meow)
I do, however, know of what I speak. It's a bad hard life, kiddo. Every morning after a night of imbibing, I blow into a contraption that tells me my BAL. It's not a way to live, honey. You'll want to AVOID that scene.
I love you. I always have and I always will, love. You're my twin. I think I love you more than anyone else in this world.
--Your bro,
Adam
Thanks, Lexi. I think so too. xoxo
Adam, wow. Number one, I thought I had this blog forwarded to my email account, but I need to doublecheck that because I didn't get either of your guys' messages. I hear you. I do. And like you cottoned onto, it's not good if I'm at my wit's end. Not good. You also know that it can take a LONG LONG time for a person to actually realize that if they're thinking about how much they're drinking, they're drinking too much. All I can say is what I've said here: no terrible ramifications (not missing work, not fucking up relationships) except for that tiny little repercussion of not liking myself. And frankly, that's huge.
Remember, I stopped needing night diapers because someone down the street questioned it. I quit drinking in college because I didn't like the decisions I made drunk and simply had enough. This might be enough for me, you know? I don't need (and God the thought makes me cringe) arrests or arguments with friends or the threat of a lost job.
Maybe we can learn from or encourage each other?
Love you, Melissa xoxo
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