I'll take it

I am in the middle of reading Parched (Heather King) and although the history and experiences are different, something she wrote in chapter nineteen really sticks - On day six, I didn't think, Oh I feel so good when I'm not drinking. I'm never going to drink again! I thought, Oh good, I can control my drinking like a normal person; I think I'll have a drink!

And so it goes. Two weeks sober, wonderful! Seriously, that is great, and it's amazing how easy it was to do it for a limited time. But then there's a two-weeks-good-for-you-Hey-it's-Friday drink and the next thing I know it's been a week of Tomorrow.

I like that in the comments Jen said this time two weeks, next time three, next time four. That is something I think I can do. Incremental change. If it can't be (or I won't let it be) a forevermore cessation of drinking, that is something I can do.

And yes, I hear the excuses, the trying to manage instead of simply stopping. I hear it. And yet, it's still an improvement and I'll take it.

(Edited Monday to remove something that wasn't strictly true and was a bit unfair to myself)

New month

My mother had a very strong Clean Slate policy when we were growing up. I can remember feeling utterly wretched when I knew I'd disappointed, and how that turned on a dime with the words, "All right. Clean slate."

Four days of drinking (three moderate, one over the line), and I'm giving myself one of those clean slates. Another fresh start, another day.

The problem, as I see it, is that I don't know that I have a problem. I do know that I felt good not drinking for two weeks. I know that there were no lingering why-that-last-drink thoughts come morning. I know that when my husband said I noticed about the not-drinking, it felt pretty fucking spectacular. And I know that after I'd drank and it ran more than two days, my spirit sagged for a moment. Shit. Not again.

I recognize family history (brother, aunt, grandfather, grandfather, maternal great uncle, paternal great uncle, dad drank a lot for a few years but stopped at some point) and wonder why I'd want to poke that sleeping monster. Do I need it? Am I just self-indulgent or is there a real compulsion?

I'm not sure that I want to give myself over to AA. To days-months-years of Sobriety with a capital S. I want it to be simple. I want it to be that I either have a drink or I don't, but la de da, it's not thought about. I can't tell if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or hiding my head in the sand. I want to be able to have a drink from time to time without it being an issue. If it were from time to time.

On one hand, wondering whether you have a problem is proof enough that you do. On the other hand, what if it's (and I cringe typing this because I know how it sounds) just a phase? On the other hand again, there are all types of phases. I could be having a health-phase, but I'm not. And that, dammit, makes me lean toward the just to be safe you should cut it out side.

Sober tonight and more than 24 hours under my belt again, but these are the thoughts that keep running through my mind.