Thumbs up

Still not missing it much, and I think it's partly because there's no ugh, that last drink was unnecessary or feeling like a weakling because I had a drink or four every night. It is not weak to drink - it just made me feel weak to want to drink less and enforce no change. Day after day of check marks and straight posture and looking and feeling better ... it's begun to settle in. I feel like I'm welcoming myself back to the present in a way. Oh hello, and where have you been? Good to have you back. So many small things, all adding up.

I had a few drinks Friday and Saturday night, and harbored no feelings of guilt or regret. I took the first opportunity Sunday to wash down an Antabuse, and once again I felt glad to have the protection. I'm close to being able to handle it on my own, but not quite yet. The fact that it feels like protection says a lot, I think, and it may be months down the line before I can swim on my own, but I'm willing to wait and work on my strength. It's become a rare occurence to have the thought of having a drink be more than a momentary blip, but why test it when things are going as well as they are?

Better spirits

Yesterday afternoon's tension blew away about an hour after hitting Publish. I'd been breathing and making busy, but my shoulders kept creeping up around my ears and I had to make conscious efforts to relax and drop them.

Who knows why it took so long or where it came from (no drinking balm? money issues? change in plans? all of the above? none of the above?) but it doesn't really matter. It's the coping mechanism that matters.

I asked myself, "Do you have a problem now? I don't hear anything ..." (Eckhart Toelle, but spoken in Lori's voice, hee hee) and pretty soon my breathing was relaxed and I not only wasn't feeling miserable, I was feeling GOOD.

Bleurgh

I'm feeling a little unfocused lately, and I'm not sure why. Most of the time I feel good and balanced, but there seems to be some internal tension tied to relationships. It's like I'm a half step behind, more easily hurt or needing reassurance.

I don't like it. It doesn't feel like me.

Each time it happens I've shaken it, but it takes longer than usual and in the meantime I want to retreat. The doctor said I might notice some buried bullshit coming to light if I was self-medicating, and I hope this isn't what I can look forward to.

I've been feeling good, dammit. Strong and capable and able to laugh and enjoy myself. And I mean today. So what the hell happened?

Right now I feel like I'm doing wrong, being tentative, and getting rejected. None of that happened, but it's exactly how my insides are reacting. Right this moment I feel raw and needy, like a good cry and nap would do me well. Maybe a kiss on the head.

I don't want to need reassurance that I am okay and loved and that whatever pitfalls I bring to friendship or marriage, I'm worth it. It has to come from within or it's useless. The funny thing is that I know I am okay and loved and worth it. I know that. I know that I am going to stumble sometimes, get or give hurt feelings or all-out fuck something up, and I am okay with that intellectually. It just seems to be missing the emotional mark lately.

I want my emotions to catch up and keep up.

Continuing on

I don't want to say things have been easy lately, but no other adjective springs to mind. The habitual thought or temptation or whatever you want to call it has receded to a point where there's no gut reaction passing the beer cooler at the store or seeing or smelling alcohol in social situations.

Some is the habit cracking and breaking away, and some of it is Antabuse and the knowledge that drinking is just not an option. It's doing what I hoped it would and simply removing it from the equation.

I can continue like this. I can continue to sleep deeply, enjoy my friends, and appreciate the feeling that I'm treating myself well.

Everybody deserves to feel that way, and if it took Better Living through Medication to get me here, you won't hear an argument. It's well worth it.

Happy-making things

It makes me happy to

• make check marks
• note the lack of beer bottles in the garage
• sleep well and rise rested
• believe in myself
• let each moment take care of itself

Lesson learned

It's somehow comforting to know that whatever mistakes I'm making, they're pretty typical. Of course I'd hoped that I could go off Antabuse, have a few weekend beers, and either get right back on or continue not drinking without it. But if it was that easy, I wouldn't have the prescription in the first place, would I?

It might have been thick-headed or cocky or just absurdly optimistic to play with going on and off Antabuse, but at least I learn quickly and won't make that mistake again. Testing boundaries didn't work out well, and I feel like I lost ground. So no matter what night out or special occasion is coming up, I am starting every morning with a little white pill.

I want that good feeling again.

Too soon

Well, that didn't work. Too much freedom, not enough time.

Matt has been on medication lately that doesn't allow for alcohol, and today was his last day. He's mentioned a few times how he'd like to drink some beer, so I picked up a six-pack on the way home. I told him it was a celebratory six-pack, but he said he had one pill left and couldn't drink until tomorrow. Guess who stepped up?

Right.

Back on Antabuse tomorrow.

Hallelujah 2.0

Did it again!

Yesterday I brought Pete and Willy and their 20-ft leads over to Lori's, and she and I walked the dogs around the block. That's a country block, so we're talking four miles total. We took a couple of shade breaks so we could all cool down and have some water, and the boys loved it. After we got back to the house and tied the dogs to a tree to rest, Lori and I had some leftover pizza and a beer. One single beer.

I drove home, took a short nap, showered and went back for dinner, Tomb Raider, and a movie. During the course of the evening (6:00-midnight) I had two beers. Just like Friday, it felt natural to drink at a leisurely pace. In fact, they went down so slow that my first beer got warm before it was finished.

I know alcohol itself is nothing to fear, it's only how we use it. If I can have one or two drinks on a weekend night without pacing myself or setting limits, a tremendous hurdle has been passed.

To me, that is drinking reasonably. And that is what I want.

I am being careful and aware, but this weekend still felt very natural. I was initially a little concerned about the ramifications of drinking Friday night - would I want a drink at 2:00 Saturday? Would I want to have four drinks and take a nap? I thought it would be a good test because I am still feeling a lot of resolve and vigilance, and figured I could trust myself to try it. I had already told myself that if I felt a craving or Self Indulgence started broadcasting a bunch of bullshit (the seal is broken, you drank yesterday and were fine, look in the fridge, there's beer!) that I would nip this shit in the bud and go back to total abstinence.

I don't feel out of the woods yet, but I am happy to report that none of that happened. I am hoping that I passed some sort of point when the want stopped creating ripples.

What's helping is knowing that I am doing this for myself, so there is no need to downplay, minimize, hide or sneak. I am the one who wants to drink reasonably. I am the one who wants sober weeknights, sober mornings, pretty nails and more money in the bank.

I am the one who is accountable for myself.

Hallelujah

Success!

Two movies, two beers last night. It felt absolutely natural and normal and there was no urge to have more. After the movies were over, I read, took a bath, read some more, and then went to bed when I got tired.

There have been so many benefits from not drinking over the last two and a half weeks, and I want them to continue. I have lost weight, regained trust in myself, felt more capable and taken more of an interest in my appearance. I feel good.

I have a pretty strict idea of what constitutes reasonable and unreasonable drinking. If I continue on the path of reasonable drinking, fantastic. If I find myself wanting one more and one more, it's back to complete abstinence with no excuses.

This feels different than before.