No neat bow here

Staying sober has been easier lately. There was some shift the month before last that made it easier to walk away after one drink, abstain entirely, or just keep my shit under control. I don't know exactly what it was, but it seemed to happen during those two weeks with no drinking whatsoever. It wasn't the length of time, it was thinking, So I don't need to keep this up anymore?

It made me sit up and take notice and wonder who the hell I was asking. Until that moment, it hadn't truly sunk in that I hold the reins. I could steer the other way.

In the last two months there's been only one evening I felt I had too much to drink. And no surprise, it was followed by a morning that felt not-so-great. And though my body didn't feel tip-top, it was more the accompanying thoughts than mild headache that had an impact.

I'm having trouble writing this next bit, so I'll just blurt it out. My husband and I are actively trying to have a kid, and there's no underestimating how much that puts the brakes on drinking. But I don't want to think I'm home free, that getting pregnant or having a child will remove the desire to drink down the line. There are thousands upon thousands of mothers with drinking problems, and I know that while I might not be actively drinking too much with regularity, that doesn't guarantee shit in the future.

There's so much in my head right now that I can't seem to get in order and down on the page. Hope. Trust. Apprehension. Love. Nutrition. Potential. Belief.