A "duh" moment

I absolutely adore my husband. Hands down, this is the guy for me and vice versa.

Here's the thing. I don't want to fuck that up. On the nights I drink, I hang out in the kitchen or bathroom or computer room while he watches TV in the front room. We're in the same house, but there may be only a few exchanges of conversation after dinner and before I go to bed. And why? Because I'm tipsy and I don't want him to see.

I was talking with a woman after Tuesday's meeting about how alcohol has impacted our relationships with family and friends. I was saying something about how I didn't think Matt fully knew the extent of the problem, and explained how I keep away and collect myself before giving him a kiss goodnight. She started to speak, held it back for a second, then said with an oh honey look, "He probably knows more than he's letting on."

And I thought, "Shit. Of course he does." Although he has never come out and said he thinks my drinking is a problem, I think his true feelings showed the first night I went to an AA meeting.

We hadn't had a chance to talk the night before (when I decided to go and looked into meetings) and he was out when I got back. I headed to bed before he got home, but left the 24-hour coin on a note saying, "Guess what I did tonight? I really really liked it and think it will help." I was drifting off when he got home, but heard the coin slide off the note as he read it.

I opened my eyes when he came into the bedroom and saw a huge grin just before he swooped down to give me a kiss. No words, just a really big smile and a very sound kiss. I haven't seen a smile like that in a long long time. He should smile like that every day. And I wouldn't mind another swoop - that was pretty nice.

I'm finally realizing there doesn't have to be fighting or arrests or hangovers. If it's meant to be better (marriage, life, fill in the blank) and I'm suffocating it with booze, that's problem enough.

And I'm going out to join him in the front room right now.

Promise

Promise it won't always be so hard.

Promise I can do this.

Promise this corner can be turned.

********

I read in someone's recent post (wish I could attribute - thank you if it was yours) that they always managed to take at least one thought away from every meeting. Tonight's meeting cemented something I've been thinking about this past week - namely, that I ought to get out there and become familiar with other meetings. More days, more times, more people.

This second meeting made me realize that while every group may be slightly different, the support and well-wishing is present whether the meeting is in Lansing, Houston, Chicago, or New York.

Again, I was blown away by the stories everyone shared and how willing they were to talk to a newcomer. One woman in particular struck up a conversation afterward and made sure I recognized my strengths while also pointing out where I will learn a few things. She never gave me a full head or frightened me, just made it clear that while the path may be rocky, I could make it with some help.

And that's exactly what I needed to hear.

Relief

I'll go again.

I kept waiting to feel odd or out of place tonight, but instead felt a lot of warmth washing up on all sides. They were on Step 7, but took a vote and started back at Step 1 to accommodate the newcomers. Midway through the going-round of stories, the lady to my right handed me a blue envelope with names and phone numbers written on the back. I added mine and passed it along to the woman on my left, who wrote hers down and handed it back to me, whispering, This is for you, to call one of us if you'd like to talk.

When it came my turn, I almost didn't recognize my voice, and I kept it short because I didn't see any tissue handy. I said that I'd had enough of saying and meaning one thing in the morning and another at night, and that after 20 years of smoking or drinking regularly, I want to see what life is like without this veil. (That veil may have gotten thicker over the last ten years, but I started trying it on for size way back in the day, and it's time to set it aside.)

My mind is scattered right now, but my initial impression of the meeting is This is a very very good idea.

One foot in front of the other

I'm giving AA a try tonight. I don't know if it will work, if I will hate it or love it or think it's helpful, but it is something I am doing.

One meeting can't hurt, right? And what if it helps?

Wouldn't that be something?

Sigh

I've been reading blogs by other alcoholics tonight - most notably, Baby On Bored and the Don't Get Drunk Fridays posts - and what punches me in the gut is how many of the stories I relate to. Sneaking. Minimizing. Friends and family who think (hope) it's habit rather than a problem. Countering thoughts of "It's a problem," with "Yes, but I'm still getting the laundry done."

Over the last year I have slowly come around to recognizing myself as an alcoholic. It blows my mind to spell that out, but what else could this behavior be called? I don't know when it happened, when I allowed myself to actually articulate that, but there came a point there simply wasn't a way around it.

I vary the stores I visit. I stop adding up drinks once the sum gets too high. I check out and think tomorrow is soon enough. I wish there were no obligations interfering with the space I want to deal with things. None of these are good signs and all point to a real problem.

There's Antabuse in the medicine cabinet and refills waiting in the wings. Yet, so far (other than those lovely three weeks last summer) I haven't been successful in taking it more than three days at a time. With a LOT of time in between. The lack of checkmarks on the calendar would be laughable if it wasn't so not-funny.