Last night my husband and I visited friends. Since I was driving home, I only had two beers over the span of four or five hours. Not bad at all, but it's always easy for me to keep an eye on things if I'm out and responsible for a drive back, so I'm not patting myself on the back too hard.
Today I had a tall beer out at lunch, picked up a six-pack at the store with the rest of the groceries, and had three before taking a nap. When will I simply stop buying the shit? I know if I have in on hand, I'm going to drink it.
It's that first drink, you know? Leads right into the second ...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Day 7
Day 7 was yesterday and I'm already starting to get confused with the numbering system (mainly whether I'm posting at the end of the day or the following morning and referring to the day before) so I'm going to abandon it after this post.
This shit is hard, yo. If there's beer in the house, I'm going to drink it. Had one in the fridge left over from a previous night, and I cracked that right after getting home from work. Then I went to the store for another six-pack and went to bed early with one left over.
It's 11:00 a.m. now. Woke up around 7:30 feeling good, cleared the belly button lint, and started a pot of tea. My husband went to work and I shut off the burner because I'd just poured a soda and what do you know? A drop of rum in that for you, ma'am? Certainly! May I point out that it's 8:00 a.m., ma'am? You may. Keep pouring, please.
I walked up to the store for spinach and eggs and it's a beautiful morning. Sunny with a big blue open sky, but it's still cool enough for comfort.
Coming up on 11:30 and I've had 4 drinks. Four. I'm not sure what needs to happen for me to take this seriously and STOP. I am very very grateful that there have been no real repercussions from my drinking, but I obviously need a bigger kick in the ass or accountability that goes beyond blogging here and talking to my friend and husband about wanting to stop. I've been trying on a new exercise program (daily walking) and although it makes me more conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth or down my gullet, I need something else. Something more.
I don't want to go to AA. I have thought of asking my doctor for Antabuse, and if I don't see concrete change by the end of the month allowed, that's what I'm going to do. Left to my own devices I've been drinking, and when resolve should be at its strongest. That's not a good sign, but I hope that it's simply taking me a little longer to settle into change. I have seen some change, just not as much and not to the extent I'd hoped for. Drinking a half pint before noon on a Saturday is pretty clear evidence of that.
I've started that pot of tea.
This shit is hard, yo. If there's beer in the house, I'm going to drink it. Had one in the fridge left over from a previous night, and I cracked that right after getting home from work. Then I went to the store for another six-pack and went to bed early with one left over.
It's 11:00 a.m. now. Woke up around 7:30 feeling good, cleared the belly button lint, and started a pot of tea. My husband went to work and I shut off the burner because I'd just poured a soda and what do you know? A drop of rum in that for you, ma'am? Certainly! May I point out that it's 8:00 a.m., ma'am? You may. Keep pouring, please.
I walked up to the store for spinach and eggs and it's a beautiful morning. Sunny with a big blue open sky, but it's still cool enough for comfort.
Coming up on 11:30 and I've had 4 drinks. Four. I'm not sure what needs to happen for me to take this seriously and STOP. I am very very grateful that there have been no real repercussions from my drinking, but I obviously need a bigger kick in the ass or accountability that goes beyond blogging here and talking to my friend and husband about wanting to stop. I've been trying on a new exercise program (daily walking) and although it makes me more conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth or down my gullet, I need something else. Something more.
I don't want to go to AA. I have thought of asking my doctor for Antabuse, and if I don't see concrete change by the end of the month allowed, that's what I'm going to do. Left to my own devices I've been drinking, and when resolve should be at its strongest. That's not a good sign, but I hope that it's simply taking me a little longer to settle into change. I have seen some change, just not as much and not to the extent I'd hoped for. Drinking a half pint before noon on a Saturday is pretty clear evidence of that.
I've started that pot of tea.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Day 6
I definitely want more mornings like yesterday morning. It felt totally clear. I said I wouldn't get bent out of shape about drinking socially, but I am aware of a difference between this morning and yesterday morning, and my body and mind like yesterday morning better. It was hard to turn off the drinking when I got home last night, and I know I would feel better about myself today if I hadn't had any. Even though I allowed myself and planned for it, I could feel poor decision-making thoughts (one more beer before you go to bed? sure!) crossing my mind. I don't want to put myself in the position where I think that's a great idea anymore.
I think for now it's best if I just steer clear entirely.
I think for now it's best if I just steer clear entirely.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Day 5
So yes indeed, I was able to say I did it today. I was pleased and alert and well rested. I think I could get used to that.
I went out with a friend tonight and as planned did have some social beers. That's fine. I still need to be in bed by midnight and there's no call to have another. And that's what I'll do.
There were two guys at the table adjacent to us tonight, and man oh man. One was completely fucked up, to the point where he was slapping the table, wrestling drinks, spilling things, and trying to pay with a library card. He accused his brother of stealing his drink, freaked out the waitress, and brought the entire bar to a standstill. They were eventually asked to leave by the bartender. It was awfully uncomfortable.
When I left a half hour later, their asses were parked on the curb across the street. Please God I never end up like that. Please.
Today felt so good that I want more and more and more of them. I want to stack them up, count them at first, and then just lean against them. Please, God.
I went out with a friend tonight and as planned did have some social beers. That's fine. I still need to be in bed by midnight and there's no call to have another. And that's what I'll do.
There were two guys at the table adjacent to us tonight, and man oh man. One was completely fucked up, to the point where he was slapping the table, wrestling drinks, spilling things, and trying to pay with a library card. He accused his brother of stealing his drink, freaked out the waitress, and brought the entire bar to a standstill. They were eventually asked to leave by the bartender. It was awfully uncomfortable.
When I left a half hour later, their asses were parked on the curb across the street. Please God I never end up like that. Please.
Today felt so good that I want more and more and more of them. I want to stack them up, count them at first, and then just lean against them. Please, God.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Day 4
Looks like I'll be able to pat myself on the back in the morning. It's 11:30 and not a drop has passed my lips today. It's only one day, 24 hours, but it feels pretty fucking good.
My husband offered me a sip of his beer at a pool party earlier tonight, and for a split second I started to reach for it until I realized that what I wanted more than that sip was to go without it. I want to feel good and rested in the morning. I want to know that I can do this.
He and I talked later and I told him I needed to quit for the time being, to prove to myself that this frequency and amount has been habit, not addiction. I am going to be very careful from here on out. I am not going to get bent out of shape if I have a beer when I'm out with friends or my best friend is over for a movie. I am also not going to keep the fridge or wine rack stocked for awhile.
My husband offered me a sip of his beer at a pool party earlier tonight, and for a split second I started to reach for it until I realized that what I wanted more than that sip was to go without it. I want to feel good and rested in the morning. I want to know that I can do this.
He and I talked later and I told him I needed to quit for the time being, to prove to myself that this frequency and amount has been habit, not addiction. I am going to be very careful from here on out. I am not going to get bent out of shape if I have a beer when I'm out with friends or my best friend is over for a movie. I am also not going to keep the fridge or wine rack stocked for awhile.
Day 3
It's not really struggling for change if I stop at the store on the way home from work to pick up a six-pack, is it?
Every morning I say, "All right. Enough." And then every evening I drink.
This is a new day. Infinite possibilities. How wonderful will it be to wake up tomorrow morning and think I did it!
I am going to find out.
Every morning I say, "All right. Enough." And then every evening I drink.
This is a new day. Infinite possibilities. How wonderful will it be to wake up tomorrow morning and think I did it!
I am going to find out.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Day 2
One step forward, two steps back.
Feeling okay and I think I'll feel fine tomorrow, but that might just be self-indulgence talking and I know damn well I'd feel better if I had stopped with the beer (big big mug of Miller Lite) at dinner and one glass of wine once I reached home.
Instead, I kept pouring myself wine, finished the bottle, and opened a Newcastle. Only one sip from that, and the wine just caught up with me, but dollars to donuts this beer is empty by the time I'm done with this post.
That's okay. I have tomorrow. And the next and the next and the next.
I finally spoke with a great friend of mine tonight about my concerns. We talked about diet and exercise and not drinking, and while we were talking about Weight Watchers I learned I'm drinking an average of 18 points a day. That's practically the total number of points she was allowed when she started Weight Watchers! I think she was a little surprised that not only am I drinking daily, but that it's 5-8 rather than 3-4 drinks a night. I need an ally here, and she is someone I can lean on.
I have a two-pronged thing going on here. One, I'm worried. I need to stop drinking. Two, I need to lose weight and removing 18 points right off the bat has to help. I eat well otherwise and am pretty conscious of my portions. Wouldn't it be simplest to eliminate alcohol or severely reduce it, so it's once or twice a week, one or two drinks?
Tonight is a wash and I'll pound water before I go to bed to dilute this shit, but let's see what happens over this next week. I need this. I need this for so many reasons.
Feeling okay and I think I'll feel fine tomorrow, but that might just be self-indulgence talking and I know damn well I'd feel better if I had stopped with the beer (big big mug of Miller Lite) at dinner and one glass of wine once I reached home.
Instead, I kept pouring myself wine, finished the bottle, and opened a Newcastle. Only one sip from that, and the wine just caught up with me, but dollars to donuts this beer is empty by the time I'm done with this post.
That's okay. I have tomorrow. And the next and the next and the next.
I finally spoke with a great friend of mine tonight about my concerns. We talked about diet and exercise and not drinking, and while we were talking about Weight Watchers I learned I'm drinking an average of 18 points a day. That's practically the total number of points she was allowed when she started Weight Watchers! I think she was a little surprised that not only am I drinking daily, but that it's 5-8 rather than 3-4 drinks a night. I need an ally here, and she is someone I can lean on.
I have a two-pronged thing going on here. One, I'm worried. I need to stop drinking. Two, I need to lose weight and removing 18 points right off the bat has to help. I eat well otherwise and am pretty conscious of my portions. Wouldn't it be simplest to eliminate alcohol or severely reduce it, so it's once or twice a week, one or two drinks?
Tonight is a wash and I'll pound water before I go to bed to dilute this shit, but let's see what happens over this next week. I need this. I need this for so many reasons.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Day 1
Two beers tonight and I feel done. Miraculous. Of course I'm not in bed yet and could still veer by the fridge, but I don't think that's going to happen.
I am going to try to keep myself busy with home projects and exercise and chores every night until not-drinking is as much of a habit as drinking has been. I have given myself a month to turn things around, and if I don't or can't in that time, I'll look into getting some help.
Side effects of non-drinking may include weight loss, better memory (and better memories), pregnancy, sharper thinking, and more money in the bank.
Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow.
I am going to try to keep myself busy with home projects and exercise and chores every night until not-drinking is as much of a habit as drinking has been. I have given myself a month to turn things around, and if I don't or can't in that time, I'll look into getting some help.
Side effects of non-drinking may include weight loss, better memory (and better memories), pregnancy, sharper thinking, and more money in the bank.
Sounds good to me. See you tomorrow.
I've had it
Innumerable nights of drinking. Too many mornings of while not exactly hungover, the gag reflex is a little strong when brushing my teeth. I am tired of this shit. I can't remember the last day I didn't drink.
I am tired of treating myself like shit. A beer when I get in the door after work. A beer while I read a book in the bathroom. A beer between my last beer and when I go to bed.
Honestly, is this how I pictured my evenings when I was a child? No. Tonight? Not bumping off doorjambs, but I wouldn't want to talk on the phone and I'm careful going down the basement stairs. Tonight, much as I'd like to state otherwise, is not an aberration. This is pretty much it.
My question is this: Is this alcoholism?
My answer is: Yes, sure seems to be.
I need help. I'd like to ask my husband to keep an eye on me, to give me a heads-up or ask, "Hey, is that the third drink you've poured?" to help me stay on the straight and narrow. Yet I still feel foolish/wrong/dependent/weak to ask for help.
So, we're starting an experiment today. I will be accountable here for every single drink. I hope that by doing so, it will help me focus and quit this shit.
Good luck to me.
I am tired of treating myself like shit. A beer when I get in the door after work. A beer while I read a book in the bathroom. A beer between my last beer and when I go to bed.
Honestly, is this how I pictured my evenings when I was a child? No. Tonight? Not bumping off doorjambs, but I wouldn't want to talk on the phone and I'm careful going down the basement stairs. Tonight, much as I'd like to state otherwise, is not an aberration. This is pretty much it.
My question is this: Is this alcoholism?
My answer is: Yes, sure seems to be.
I need help. I'd like to ask my husband to keep an eye on me, to give me a heads-up or ask, "Hey, is that the third drink you've poured?" to help me stay on the straight and narrow. Yet I still feel foolish/wrong/dependent/weak to ask for help.
So, we're starting an experiment today. I will be accountable here for every single drink. I hope that by doing so, it will help me focus and quit this shit.
Good luck to me.
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