To underscore my decision, I knocked back quite a few last night. Part was the same old once you start thing, but there was also a good chunk of get it out of the house quickly.
Of course, it strikes me now that I could have simply poured the stuff down the sink instead of down my throat, but you live and you learn.
Anyway, appointment with the doctor is set for Wednesday afternoon, and I am really REALLY looking forward to it. Nothing to drink today, but I've only been home an hour and a half and sure enough a couple of thoughts about the beer in the fridge have crossed my mind. I think it's going to stay right where it is, but if it doesn't I am not going to beat myself up or make it into a tragedy. There is not enough to do damage.
There is definitely a part of me that wants to drink it, especially knowing that 48 hours from now, it's simply not a possibility.
Thank you guys for the thoughts and conversation. You buoyed me.
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3 comments:
This is what I have learned: Drink it.
Why waste money?
Drink it and savour it. We both know we should not drink.... But we do.
Why pour it out? Imbibe. Let the dragon bite you.
I am happy that you have an appointment with the MD on Wednesday. He'll write you an Rx and maybe you'll fill it. I *hope* you do but, being me, I can see how you might fill the Rx and continue to abuse yourself.
Listen. I love you more than me and.... You know that, right?
I love you more than me.
Kiddo, it is tough. It is tough.
I have faith in you, but I also realize that shit can turn sour, sometimes. Regardless of whether you drink or not, I'll ALWAYS be in your corner.
I love you, you know? Take care and accept my offerings of peace.
PEACE to you, Melissa. And LOVE. Yeah...that, too.
You have expressed dismay about your drinking. I won't sugar-coat it: You may be fucked. A lot of people in our bloodline have succumbed to the Beast. I am on my way, as I type this.
Abstinence.
What else *is* there?
I can huff and puff about being stronger than the drink, but that's not really the case, is it?
Right now--this instant--you are on the ground floor. You've not been fired or arrested or dis-loved by someone you love. You're on a precipice, though. (I know. I spelled that wrong. My blow.)
I don't know what to say.
I don't kn--wait. Yes. I *do* know what to say: Don't fucking drink. Don't sip the first, you know? It's *bad* here, sis. You'll not wanna visit.
The hangovers, the shame, the loss of self-respect, the loss of money.... If you let it, alcohol will damage every strata of your life, sometimes irreprably.
Brass tacks: It is your choice. You know what you want and you know what you need. You, apparently, have sponged my disease.
You have my sympathies.
Ahhhh, shit. I love you. I want you to feel well, damn it. Love and wants, though..? No. They don't cut it.
YOU have to want change. And it seems like you do.
I'd shy from Campral but I'd gobble the 'Buse. But.
Your call.
I am here, though, for any kind of support that you might need. We can talk about drinking and I can tell you azbout my arrests and my malaise and my job issues and my girl issues and my financial cut-fucks. That sounds fun, doesn't it?
You don't want this, Meliss. Thank God you realized your quandary early enough.
That said, can I have a sip of your wine?
*snicker*
It never leaves; it only gets stronger, babe. Sad but true.
Nip it now before it becomes a tree.
I love you, you sweet sweet sweet sweet woman.
Stay straight, huh?
--Adam
I disagree - pour it out. Why pay money to damage your liver and further an addiction you are taking steps to eradicate?
Empower yourself by slaying the dragon. Easier said than done, but action derives from intention.
Go in peace.
sorry if that sounded preachy.. and I didn't read Adam's full comment til now (because I'm in class here all day and shouldn't really be reading blogs, etc).
Anyway, I just really hope that you both are able to get in touch with your inner strength (that you BOTH have.. assuming you accept that fact and tap in).
Adam, I am sorry but it is really hard to hear what sounds like your acceptance of your own demise. I really don't want to see you in the hospital with tubes all in and out of you. I know you're not responsible for my feelings but I'm going to let you know that anyway. We've had enough sadness in the family.
do you really think it's a lost battle? every time you say so, you make it more so. Even if you feel like there's little (or no) hope, please, please be mindful of the things you say to yourself. It has a lot of power to create or destroy strength and will power.
I wish both of you all the strength in the world.. I hope you can build on your own successes until you overcome.
For what it's worth, I send you positive energy and deep-seated prayers.
xoxoxoxoxo
Alexis
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