I've had it

Innumerable nights of drinking. Too many mornings of while not exactly hungover, the gag reflex is a little strong when brushing my teeth. I am tired of this shit. I can't remember the last day I didn't drink.

I am tired of treating myself like shit. A beer when I get in the door after work. A beer while I read a book in the bathroom. A beer between my last beer and when I go to bed.

Honestly, is this how I pictured my evenings when I was a child? No. Tonight? Not bumping off doorjambs, but I wouldn't want to talk on the phone and I'm careful going down the basement stairs. Tonight, much as I'd like to state otherwise, is not an aberration. This is pretty much it.

My question is this: Is this alcoholism?

My answer is: Yes, sure seems to be.

I need help. I'd like to ask my husband to keep an eye on me, to give me a heads-up or ask, "Hey, is that the third drink you've poured?" to help me stay on the straight and narrow. Yet I still feel foolish/wrong/dependent/weak to ask for help.

So, we're starting an experiment today. I will be accountable here for every single drink. I hope that by doing so, it will help me focus and quit this shit.

Good luck to me.