Day 7 was yesterday and I'm already starting to get confused with the numbering system (mainly whether I'm posting at the end of the day or the following morning and referring to the day before) so I'm going to abandon it after this post.
This shit is hard, yo. If there's beer in the house, I'm going to drink it. Had one in the fridge left over from a previous night, and I cracked that right after getting home from work. Then I went to the store for another six-pack and went to bed early with one left over.
It's 11:00 a.m. now. Woke up around 7:30 feeling good, cleared the belly button lint, and started a pot of tea. My husband went to work and I shut off the burner because I'd just poured a soda and what do you know? A drop of rum in that for you, ma'am? Certainly! May I point out that it's 8:00 a.m., ma'am? You may. Keep pouring, please.
I walked up to the store for spinach and eggs and it's a beautiful morning. Sunny with a big blue open sky, but it's still cool enough for comfort.
Coming up on 11:30 and I've had 4 drinks. Four. I'm not sure what needs to happen for me to take this seriously and STOP. I am very very grateful that there have been no real repercussions from my drinking, but I obviously need a bigger kick in the ass or accountability that goes beyond blogging here and talking to my friend and husband about wanting to stop. I've been trying on a new exercise program (daily walking) and although it makes me more conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth or down my gullet, I need something else. Something more.
I don't want to go to AA. I have thought of asking my doctor for Antabuse, and if I don't see concrete change by the end of the month allowed, that's what I'm going to do. Left to my own devices I've been drinking, and when resolve should be at its strongest. That's not a good sign, but I hope that it's simply taking me a little longer to settle into change. I have seen some change, just not as much and not to the extent I'd hoped for. Drinking a half pint before noon on a Saturday is pretty clear evidence of that.
I've started that pot of tea.
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
2 comments:
I think this journalling is a really good idea. You can see patterns and do some quantitative data collection. Gives an objective voice to the matter.
Good luck with this, my sis. I'm glad you are addressing it now.. and it makes me think more about my own consumption (not just alcohol).
That's what I think too, Alexis! It has been an eye-opener. I knew all this stuff beforehand, but seeing it laid out like this has really helped me come to some decisions.
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