A "duh" moment

I absolutely adore my husband. Hands down, this is the guy for me and vice versa.

Here's the thing. I don't want to fuck that up. On the nights I drink, I hang out in the kitchen or bathroom or computer room while he watches TV in the front room. We're in the same house, but there may be only a few exchanges of conversation after dinner and before I go to bed. And why? Because I'm tipsy and I don't want him to see.

I was talking with a woman after Tuesday's meeting about how alcohol has impacted our relationships with family and friends. I was saying something about how I didn't think Matt fully knew the extent of the problem, and explained how I keep away and collect myself before giving him a kiss goodnight. She started to speak, held it back for a second, then said with an oh honey look, "He probably knows more than he's letting on."

And I thought, "Shit. Of course he does." Although he has never come out and said he thinks my drinking is a problem, I think his true feelings showed the first night I went to an AA meeting.

We hadn't had a chance to talk the night before (when I decided to go and looked into meetings) and he was out when I got back. I headed to bed before he got home, but left the 24-hour coin on a note saying, "Guess what I did tonight? I really really liked it and think it will help." I was drifting off when he got home, but heard the coin slide off the note as he read it.

I opened my eyes when he came into the bedroom and saw a huge grin just before he swooped down to give me a kiss. No words, just a really big smile and a very sound kiss. I haven't seen a smile like that in a long long time. He should smile like that every day. And I wouldn't mind another swoop - that was pretty nice.

I'm finally realizing there doesn't have to be fighting or arrests or hangovers. If it's meant to be better (marriage, life, fill in the blank) and I'm suffocating it with booze, that's problem enough.

And I'm going out to join him in the front room right now.