I've been reading blogs by other alcoholics tonight - most notably, Baby On Bored and the Don't Get Drunk Fridays posts - and what punches me in the gut is how many of the stories I relate to. Sneaking. Minimizing. Friends and family who think (hope) it's habit rather than a problem. Countering thoughts of "It's a problem," with "Yes, but I'm still getting the laundry done."
Over the last year I have slowly come around to recognizing myself as an alcoholic. It blows my mind to spell that out, but what else could this behavior be called? I don't know when it happened, when I allowed myself to actually articulate that, but there came a point there simply wasn't a way around it.
I vary the stores I visit. I stop adding up drinks once the sum gets too high. I check out and think tomorrow is soon enough. I wish there were no obligations interfering with the space I want to deal with things. None of these are good signs and all point to a real problem.
There's Antabuse in the medicine cabinet and refills waiting in the wings. Yet, so far (other than those lovely three weeks last summer) I haven't been successful in taking it more than three days at a time. With a LOT of time in between. The lack of checkmarks on the calendar would be laughable if it wasn't so not-funny.
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
2 comments:
"The lack of checkmarks on the calendar would be laughable if it wasn't so not-funny."
Hi, Mel. Do what you know you have to do. Not drinking is not easy. In fact, it's a pain in the ass and a bitch and a...well, life-saver for some. I know what you mean about the checkmarks. I have the same thing going on my calander. But I use an "X". One line diagonally up for a non-drinking day and one line diagonally down for a day in which I attended an AA meeting. The downward slashes are pathetically absent as of late. Though I'm still taking my 'Busey-'Busey every day (the addict in me hates that fact) and so I am not-drinking, that's *all* that I am doing: not-drinking. It's not enough. I need the support of the group and the direction of my sponsor. Otherwise, I'll lazily rationalize myself right back into the bottle. I need support, sure, but, definitely more than that, I need *accountability*. Would support and accountability help you? Have you given 12-step groups a chance to work? Now, I am *not* a fanatic AT ALL (obviously) of AA attendance, but it does work for a lot of people. I have heard tons of good stories of success and I have also heard stories of overwhelming tribulation from the people who have gone "back out." Almost every bad-news story starts with the person saying, "I started slacking on my meetings." The meetings are important; they're Accountability. They remind the alcoholic of just what he or she *is*. I'm telling myself this just as much as I'm writing this to you. Be smart, Mel. Listen to your gut. It's a bitch to do, sometimes, but you took that first big step when you admitted to yourself that you are an alcoholic. The First Step says that "We admitted to ourselves that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable." Is your life unmanageable? Ask yourself how much of the First Step applies to you. Love you. I'm here for you if you want to talk. At this point in time, I'm here, I'm not absent in Lala-Land. (But it's a daily process; it's a daily grind. It's made easier, I have come to believe, when I accept the help of the Program.) Peace to you.
--Adam
PS--When I wrote that the meetings remind the alcoholic of what he or she *is*, I didn't mean to imply that that is *all* he or she is. I am not *just* an alkie, but it *is* a huge facet of me, capable of much much MUCH destruction and it needs to be treated as such, treated with the respect it screams for. If it gets minimized (which a big part of me wants) then it gets a foothold and a toehold and squirms inside and commences to wreak havoc. Lovely, huh? ;-) If it sounds like a virus from outer space, well, that's what it often feels like: an alien entity. Sheeee-it, it's got me talking about myself like I'm two damned people. Now, if *that* ain't power, I don't know what is!
If you know it helps, GO! Nothing like a nice big X on the calendar at the end of the day :) I haven't tried it yet, but have thought about it.
Powerless, sure feels like it. Unmanageable? I don't know. I manage. But I want to do more than manage - I'd like to thrive again.
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