I'll go again.
I kept waiting to feel odd or out of place tonight, but instead felt a lot of warmth washing up on all sides. They were on Step 7, but took a vote and started back at Step 1 to accommodate the newcomers. Midway through the going-round of stories, the lady to my right handed me a blue envelope with names and phone numbers written on the back. I added mine and passed it along to the woman on my left, who wrote hers down and handed it back to me, whispering, This is for you, to call one of us if you'd like to talk.
When it came my turn, I almost didn't recognize my voice, and I kept it short because I didn't see any tissue handy. I said that I'd had enough of saying and meaning one thing in the morning and another at night, and that after 20 years of smoking or drinking regularly, I want to see what life is like without this veil. (That veil may have gotten thicker over the last ten years, but I started trying it on for size way back in the day, and it's time to set it aside.)
My mind is scattered right now, but my initial impression of the meeting is This is a very very good idea.
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
3 comments:
Man, Meliss, I got chills reading that. And I have to say that my eyes seem to be a little itchy, for some reason. That's a classic one about the envelope with the names and numbers on it. "This is for you...." That is the great GREAT thing about AA: People really do care and they REALLY do want to see successes. They've (we've) all been there...we can relate to damned-near every story that others impart. They say that the key is to not compare oneself to others, but to relate to others' stories. It's a big difference. When we compare, we distance ourselves ("I was never *that* bad," or "That never happened to me," but when we relate/identify with the stories, we are able to see at least a little bit of ourselves in every person.
That was a fucking HUGE step you took tonight, Melissa, and I am proud as hell of you. Whatever you decide, I am proud as hell of you. =o)
I agree: It is a very very good idea.
Love you.
This IS a huge step. You are so very brave, and open and honest. I'm glad you had a good experience, overall, and that you had a glimmer of how good it feels to give yourself a chance. Keep your heart and mind open - you probably won't love everything about AA - and try not to let the things you don't like drive you away, if the majority of the time you feel it's good, helping.
I just had to sit and hang on to my seat for about four months before, one night, I realized I wanted to be there. Mostly for the other people I was meeting- these strong, brave, incredible people I felt like I had known all my life. The people make it all worthwhile for me.
Keep talking - it's so good to hear you. And it helps me, too.
Thank you.
-Ellie
I was struck by that, Adam - there were so many similar feelings, and even though everyone's path was different, we all ended up there at the meeting. Pretty neat.
Ellie, thank you. I can't tell you how good it felt. I promised that if I came away from a meeting with one good feeling or thought or aha moment, I'd keep giving it a chance. And frankly, how can you not hear ONE thing that resonates? Or have one person smile and make you feel welcome? It seems like a really good group of women. So yep, going back :)
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