My mother had a very strong Clean Slate policy when we were growing up. I can remember feeling utterly wretched when I knew I'd disappointed, and how that turned on a dime with the words, "All right. Clean slate."
Four days of drinking (three moderate, one over the line), and I'm giving myself one of those clean slates. Another fresh start, another day.
The problem, as I see it, is that I don't know that I have a problem. I do know that I felt good not drinking for two weeks. I know that there were no lingering why-that-last-drink thoughts come morning. I know that when my husband said I noticed about the not-drinking, it felt pretty fucking spectacular. And I know that after I'd drank and it ran more than two days, my spirit sagged for a moment. Shit. Not again.
I recognize family history (brother, aunt, grandfather, grandfather, maternal great uncle, paternal great uncle, dad drank a lot for a few years but stopped at some point) and wonder why I'd want to poke that sleeping monster. Do I need it? Am I just self-indulgent or is there a real compulsion?
I'm not sure that I want to give myself over to AA. To days-months-years of Sobriety with a capital S. I want it to be simple. I want it to be that I either have a drink or I don't, but la de da, it's not thought about. I can't tell if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or hiding my head in the sand. I want to be able to have a drink from time to time without it being an issue. If it were from time to time.
On one hand, wondering whether you have a problem is proof enough that you do. On the other hand, what if it's (and I cringe typing this because I know how it sounds) just a phase? On the other hand again, there are all types of phases. I could be having a health-phase, but I'm not. And that, dammit, makes me lean toward the just to be safe you should cut it out side.
Sober tonight and more than 24 hours under my belt again, but these are the thoughts that keep running through my mind.
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
10 comments:
Yep, new month. New day, too, just like tomorrow will be. Be gentle with yourself, all right?
Thanks, Robin. I'm afraid sometimes I'm too gentle, too forgiving, too self-coddling. I need that clean slate and tomorrowness, but what if I'm screwing myself by being easy and too soft? Regardless, for tomorrow, I will be gentle and self-encouraging and meet the day chin up. Thanks again.
I was happy to see your new post! And, we can all use a clean slate every so often.
Think of it this way...if you keep questioning your drinking, you're doing some soul searching and you're able to stop for a couple of weeks at a time, that's progress in my opinion. Keep extending those weeks. This time go for three weeks and then next time go for four.
Good luck!
Jen
I've been soul-searching all right, Jen. I realized tonight (had thought about it before but it really hit this evening) that at least some of this can be chalked up to self-medicating. Articulating that brought it home that there are way better ways to address stressors. Way better ways.
Thanks for the progress props, and I am going to work on three weeks. And then four :)
After an over the top drinking holiday weekend I am also on a 21 day cleanse. June 22nd is just around the corner and I'm fast forwarding in my head to how great I'm going to feel when I get there. No guilt, a little lighter maybe, more money in my pocket and a spring in my step.
We can do it!
Jen
Each sober day is a victory, and two weeks is terrific. I think the self-medication realization is huge. You're doing great!!
Val
I relate to this SOOOO much. All the wondering and wandering thoughts about sobriety, your problem - is it or isn't it - the family history, AA, moderation... bluh. My brain feels full just typing that. But seriously Mel, I relate. And I sure don't have the answers yet either, but I'm here with ya. :)
Jen, it's looking more like the 28th for me, but I am feeling pretty eager to put checkmarks on the calendar again.
Thanks, Val. Sometimes it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall, but you're right: each sober day is a victory. And I know to my toes that whatever I want to call it, however often it is or however light or extreme, it needs to just end.
Thanks, Melissa. It's astonishing to realize how much it helps just to know there are others in the trenches, asking themselves the same questions.
You're poking. Oh, God, you're pokin'.
And? You're burying your head in the proverbial Sand. Sands of Time? Sands of Denial? Maybe. Who *knows* how long the poking could continue, until:
*drumrollplease*
4 arrests
3 rehab stays
countless dollars wasted
tons of nights of being the idiot
subterranian (sp?)self-esteem
knawing feeling of impending death
loss of respect at work
sense of under-fulfillment
...
and that's just the beginning! =)
...
Y--I was gonna say that "you're too good of a person," but you know that, right? Right?!
*If* you have a true alcoholic problem--and I believe that you do, situational or otherwise--the ONLY way to best it is complete abstinence. Never mind what others are drinking, YOU can't have a whit. And. That. Fucking. SUCKS!!!
And that's *my* blow. But thanks for the mention!
=o)
PS--I remember the "clean slate." Classic.
***sob***
;-P
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