I am in the middle of reading Parched (Heather King) and although the history and experiences are different, something she wrote in chapter nineteen really sticks - On day six, I didn't think, Oh I feel so good when I'm not drinking. I'm never going to drink again! I thought, Oh good, I can control my drinking like a normal person; I think I'll have a drink!
And so it goes. Two weeks sober, wonderful! Seriously, that is great, and it's amazing how easy it was to do it for a limited time. But then there's a two-weeks-good-for-you-Hey-it's-Friday drink and the next thing I know it's been a week of Tomorrow.
I like that in the comments Jen said this time two weeks, next time three, next time four. That is something I think I can do. Incremental change. If it can't be (or I won't let it be) a forevermore cessation of drinking, that is something I can do.
And yes, I hear the excuses, the trying to manage instead of simply stopping. I hear it. And yet, it's still an improvement and I'll take it.
(Edited Monday to remove something that wasn't strictly true and was a bit unfair to myself)
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
11 comments:
Just reading through a lot of your posts. Glad you're here.
Improvement counts in my book. The questioning yourself and trying to cut back or stop is progress. I had two social outings with girlfriends this weekend and did not have a drink even though everyone else had one. I didn't look at it as I "couldn't" have one, rather as I "chose" not to have one. I felt empowered watching everyone pour their third or fourth with no thought while I drank my lemonade. Someone asked why I wasn't drinking and I said "because it's easier for me not to even have one than to try and stop at two". I drove home knowing there was no way I could be over the legal limit and woke up before my kids and went for a run. Now that felt much better than having 5 drinks and not wanting to get up early.
Question is...will I remember how great I felt the next time I pour that first glass? I am praying that I do.
Keep trying and keep talking about it.
Jen
Thanks, Melissa. I was glad to run across you, too.
Jen, you'll remember. It will be a choice next time just like it was this past time, but it sounds like you're making a strong effort to focus on things like how good it felt to just drive, and that can make all the difference when the question of a drink comes up. I'm glad you had a good night out and such a great morning!
Beware of your thoughts. They will try to circumvent'cha. They'll swirl and posit and rationalize and justify and say, "Hey, it's all good!"
Beware of your thoughts.
Sybil, much? I am. I get tanked and end up talking to myself in the mirror. The Drinking-ABomb is much more accomplished at persuasion than the Sober-ABomb. I've just...noticed that.
You sound like you're on the upside of the swing. That is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Be wary of the downswing.
This is some ass-vice: First, NEVER listen to a drunk--the Demon is still ravaging him or her. Second, there IS a downswing. It comes when the person who wants to quit has had a goodly amount of 24s under his or her belt and thinks to him- or herself: "I did goo. I deserve one or two or three or, fuggit, gimme the boddle!"
I applaud you for your distraction. NEVER forget that the monster is still in the bedroom.
When I say "distraction," I do not--NOT--mean to stampede the relevance of two or three (16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21) weeks of total abstinence?! That. Is. Phenomenal!
I just mean to say that Alcoholism is a fucking snake, a fucking anaconda. It'll squeeze you to a death-like state, and then it'll devour you, semi-conscious and kicking.
Pleasant thoughts, eh?
Why *should* they be? They shouldn't. AA has yet-another trusim. (I say "truism" because, well, it's true.) Their saying is, the only ending to a drunk is "jails, institutions or death." Now, being in the two former more than I'd like, I think I'd prefer death! ;-) No. Seriously. I don't want to see you spend a fucking *minute* in jail. I'd rather you went to rehab...which is a jail in its motherfucking self.
Did you get any phone numbers when you went to your first meeting? Of course you did. Do you think, if youi have the Urge, you'd pick up that two-ton phone?
Personally, I find it an unbearable weight. Who the fuck wants to talk to *me*?! Answer: The People In The Program.
It gets a little old, though, doesn't it?
"Hail Marty, full of Grace, lemme win this streaking race."
Or...something like that.
I am being COMPLETELY selfish, right now. I'm struggling...you're doing well. I WANT, you may want. It's a different playing field.
That said? So what? Reach your dreams of Sobriety--yes, with a capital "S". Reach what you've self-medicated 'gainst for years.
Then what?
Blank open-Space....
And THAT is what you need to deal with. The booze is but a fucking *symptom*. Taste that word. Spit it the fuck out. I'd rather be slain than to see my Melkie suffer. You may feel the same way--doan worry 'bout it. I suffer.
But I bring it upon myself. As do you, I surmise.
Whatever.
Lemme tell you this:
In varying degrees, Alcohol brings about sleeplessness, low self-esteem, panic anxiety and rage, the ability to float o'er happenings, lost time, brain damage, cirrhosis, low sex drive, swollen feet and fingers, heart palpipations, arrests, state troopers guns aimed at one's face, blown relationships, a sense of ease, reckless driving, co-workers' disdain, blackouts, loss of money, loss of Spirit and of Ego and of God, the erection of Id, the deconstrution of Id, questionable sexual pick-ups, a sense of stability in the maelstrom and the ubiquitous sense of Failure.
You wanna join the team? I have a contract for you, here, somewhere....
(God. My filing system sucks.)
And Despair. Did I mention that?
Hi Mel. Just stopping by to see how you are. Been thinking of you this week.
I'm thinking of you too. Hope you have a new post soon.
Jen
Wow, I can really relate. I submitted a post to Crying Out Now this week and have started blogging my own experiences. Nice to find someone else who is sharing exactly what's going on.
Hi Melissa and Jen! Been thinking of you guys too and although I haven't been posting, I've been reading and staying plugged in.
Hello, Not Telling. I read your post on Crying Out Now and wow. So so many thoughts I've had myself (the last few paragraphs in particular). Whatever we ultimately decide or define, it helps to know there are others in that grey area, mulling things over.
Adam! Not ignoring your comment, but I got a little overwhelmed reading it :) You're right, we're on different playing fields, but the bottom line is the bottom line and I'm still very hopeful for both of us. I don't want you giving up, you hear me? While alcoholism may be a a snake, it will not "squeeze [me] to a death-like state, and then ... devour [me], semi-conscious and kicking." I refuse. And I refuse on your behalf as well. Screw that.
Congrats on your sobriety. I am so happy to hear you are going through this journey. Good luck, and I'll be praying for you! :)
bombgood answer, melly. topical and brilliant as always. with LOVE you and i will get through...you first.
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