Staying sober has been easier lately. There was some shift the month before last that made it easier to walk away after one drink, abstain entirely, or just keep my shit under control. I don't know exactly what it was, but it seemed to happen during those two weeks with no drinking whatsoever. It wasn't the length of time, it was thinking, So I don't need to keep this up anymore?
It made me sit up and take notice and wonder who the hell I was asking. Until that moment, it hadn't truly sunk in that I hold the reins. I could steer the other way.
In the last two months there's been only one evening I felt I had too much to drink. And no surprise, it was followed by a morning that felt not-so-great. And though my body didn't feel tip-top, it was more the accompanying thoughts than mild headache that had an impact.
I'm having trouble writing this next bit, so I'll just blurt it out. My husband and I are actively trying to have a kid, and there's no underestimating how much that puts the brakes on drinking. But I don't want to think I'm home free, that getting pregnant or having a child will remove the desire to drink down the line. There are thousands upon thousands of mothers with drinking problems, and I know that while I might not be actively drinking too much with regularity, that doesn't guarantee shit in the future.
There's so much in my head right now that I can't seem to get in order and down on the page. Hope. Trust. Apprehension. Love. Nutrition. Potential. Belief.
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Going for some type of accountability here, because good Lord do I need it. It's slightly worse than I'll let on, but still much better than it could be.
8 comments:
I can so relate to this post. From experience, I can say that the urge to drink can come back the instant you are no longer pregnant, or the instant you no longer are breastfeeding (depending on which route you choose). In the last 10 years, the longest period I could go without drinking was during pregnancy and breastfeeding, and it always came back just as strong as soon as I was "allowed" to drink again. And it shocked me both times.
But heavy topic aside, how exciting about trying to get pregnant! :) I wish you the best and am very excited for you. :) I am so glad that staying sober has been easier for you in the past months.
I'm so happy to see something in this space Mel. I feel the same way so often, about having too much in my head to get down on the page so I end up never writing anything at all. Ugh. Thanks for sharing and I hope you guys succeed in your plans!
I'm so glad to see a new post Mel!
I wish you luck on your quest to get pregnant. I would say, it would be absolutely awesome to get a few solid weeks or months of sobriety under your belt until it happens. With both of my pregnancies I recall thinking to myself "there's no way I'll go back to my old drinking habits" and both times it took a matter of two months to start up with the wine again. I was breastfeeding but I had a pump and if I had a couple of drinks I would pump it and dump it. How wasteful and ridiculous is that?
My boys are now 3 and 5 and I JUST decided to get sober two weeks ago and I'm so happy that they'll never see me swilling back a glass (or 4) of pinot grigio.
I wish you the best of luck with everything!
Keep us posted.
Jen
Robin, I'm going to keep that in mind and thanks for the good wishes! Sure would be something ...
Melissa, it's been hard to write lately! Been reading and pondering and watching myself and thinking. It feels like things are being worked through, but the feelings don't translate to words well :)
Jen, that's great news! Good for you - I know you'd been thinking about it. And I'm going to keep your words in mind too.
So good to read that things are going better for you! I agree, it's the thoughts more than the physical aftereffects that are somehow more important in sorting this out. And yes, you might be able to abstain easily in pregnancy, but it's the stress after that will get you if you're not vigilant. But you can't worry about that now, just be aware of it when the time comes.
Best of luck with the babymaking! ;)
Thanks, NT :) It feels good to note some differences in the want, comparing this year to last, but I do need and plan to stay vigilant. I expect plenty of shit-I-shouldn't-have thoughts if we grow a family (over everything, frankly - this is all new to me) but I sure don't want to add to them if I can help it.
LOVE. You forgot that four-letter word: "love".
Love.
Love is all you nee--
*Scritch!*
[And the parrot pauses...]
"The record," Archie said, "has stopped."
[Adam Christopher makes an entrance, drunk off his ass. He swings a corpse of a snake o'er his head and deliniated scales fly. "Didn't kill *me*!" he chortles.]
It. NEVER. Leaves. You.
And Amen.
Never.
Leaves you.
I write this without reading the previous comments for reasons. Reasons I hold dear to my heart. One: I'll not be influenced, narratively,by anyone other than a god of writing. Two: I'll be influenced, so I need to get my THOUGHTS out.
And so follows: M. Danielle? You have limited time to procure your nhether-babes from your woom-wham. Keep tryin'. It's fun. It feels gooooooood. And if God's on-board, it is even better. If He isn't?! Well, then, so the fuck what? He *should be (I've never met a better non-Mother than you) but....
But...I'm just a drunk. I know not of what *I* speak. Sometimes, to me, it seems as though the Debbil is pulling my strings. And it is. The Debbil, I mean. Pulling and tearing my body asunder.
Ouch!
All I can say is, "Try try again."
Ur runnin outta thyme.
I'm glad you're trying to have a baby! How exciting and how steadying an influence it is on NOT drinking. You keep that baby's health in mind, and don't take a sip, okay? Keep at it, one day at a time.
http://growingoutofmayhem.blogspot.com
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