Re-do

This was originally written and posted Tuesday, February 23. I pulled it the following morning because I felt some vulnerability was showing, but hello. That's what we're here for.

*******

I still haven't managed to take that pill in my pocket.

I woke up this morning thinking, "You've been drinking reasonably and getting to work and not smelling of booze, but you didn't shut it down very well last night, did you? Nope. Not good, honey."

So with all kinds of fortitude I stuck that pill in my pocket again with the intention of taking it at 10:00 this morning. And then 9:30 hit, and I thought, "There are still drinks at home and you have tomorrow off. Sure, you could take that at 10:00. But there are drinks at home. And you have tomorrow off."

And here I am, drinking rum and cokes and doing my eye makeup and spritzing perfume and looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

Someone I love had a different sort of problem not too long ago. I want to emulate how he looked at his life, looked at the consequences, and said, "That's it. DONE." But he hasn't complained. He hasn't said, "Hey, honey? I'd like you to be present."

I see what that says there. I shouldn't need someone to complain before I make the change.

I shouldn't care that tomorrow I'm bowling and Thursday I'm meeting a friend and Friday I'm meeting a friend so maybe I should take this pill on Saturday? Oh, but I bowl again Saturday, so maybe Sunday? I don't want to drink. I want my friends who don't have this problem to do whatever comes naturally. What helps is everyone doing what they would normally do and I order lemonade instead of a beer. That makes it easier and feels like less of a spotlight. But I recognize I just need to do what I need to do, regardless. My decision.

***

HOLY SHIT.

My husband's urologist just called. Artificial insemination looks entirely possible after last summer's surgery. This changes everything. If my smile would fit on the computer screen it would be cracking it left and right. HOLY SHIT.

Oh boy, I want to cry right now.

When there is no possibility of children, what I do with my life is my business and the business of those who are already here. But the possibility of a family? 100% different.