So yes, I took a pill Wednesday and was able to put a checkmark on the calendar. That is the only checkmark in the month of February. I took a pill Thursday morning and eased into drinking after work, thinking there weren't enough pills in my system to cause real problems. My cheeks heated up after the second beer, so I sipped my third even slower. We came home with two friends and a 12-pack and played cribbage, euchre, and golf. And I drank more and felt fine. And I felt fine in the morning, too.
Body-wise, that is. Mentally, I was kicking myself.
And yet the next night, more drinks. Antabuse must have a bit of a delay, because although I hadn't taken one that morning, my heart was beating hard and my cheeks were flushing. So I laid on the couch to relax for a bit, then had another one or two once I felt normal again.
And tonight, Saturday. Bowling. Pitcher, pitcher, pitcher.
Matt and I had a great conversation on the way home. I'll never be able to remember it all, but the high point is that I could use a hand. A light hand, but a hand nonetheless, and I would appreciate him asking "did you take your pill?" Monday morning.
See, I know me. I don't need strong finger-wagging or disgust or embarrassment or letting someone down. That would kill me. What I need (and what I'd like to be able to do for myself but somehow can't) is someone saying, "I see you. I see that. I don't like that. It could hurt us."
We talked about how we might be too easy-going with each other. We both have or have had our issues, and we're get-along sort of people. Which is wonderful in the day-to-day, but could hamstring us if we want to help each other change for the better or need help getting there. We talked about loving each other no matter what, but also seeing what is enriching and what is detrimental to us as a couple and a potential family.
Quit day: Monday
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3 comments:
I know that easy-going conundrum. And I'm like you, too. I've already beaten myself up enough; I don't need someone with their hands on their hips telling me exactly what I already know. I don't need that "strong talk." Let me amend that: Sometimes, that is *exactly* what I need. I may not want it, but I definitely need it. Because, let's be honest here, left to my own devices, I will think and rationalize and justify myself right back into the same old snake pit I was in. Are ye the same? Love you. Do what you feel you need to do, Mel.
I wouldn't mind an extra eye out, since I don't really trust myself (rationalizing and justifying - I'm very clever with it, after all!) to follow through on what I need to do. Like I said, I don't need strong finger-wagging, just a supportive "Did you take your pill? Excellent!" would help. We've talked about this, and a little of that "I see that. With all the love in the world, knock that shit off" might help.
Of course, I'd prefer to do it on my own, but if I truly NEED it, I will ask for it and he will give it to me. It's just hard to admit I might need it.
But he *knows* that you're having struggles and/or issues with it, right? If that's the case, what's so hard about admitting it? I'll tell you one thing that makes it hard for me to admit that I have a problem: Once the cat is out of the bag, it is much MUCH harder to fly underneath the radar. And then that means--drum-roll--more Accountability.
Snap!
>=(
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