Bleurgh

I'm feeling a little unfocused lately, and I'm not sure why. Most of the time I feel good and balanced, but there seems to be some internal tension tied to relationships. It's like I'm a half step behind, more easily hurt or needing reassurance.

I don't like it. It doesn't feel like me.

Each time it happens I've shaken it, but it takes longer than usual and in the meantime I want to retreat. The doctor said I might notice some buried bullshit coming to light if I was self-medicating, and I hope this isn't what I can look forward to.

I've been feeling good, dammit. Strong and capable and able to laugh and enjoy myself. And I mean today. So what the hell happened?

Right now I feel like I'm doing wrong, being tentative, and getting rejected. None of that happened, but it's exactly how my insides are reacting. Right this moment I feel raw and needy, like a good cry and nap would do me well. Maybe a kiss on the head.

I don't want to need reassurance that I am okay and loved and that whatever pitfalls I bring to friendship or marriage, I'm worth it. It has to come from within or it's useless. The funny thing is that I know I am okay and loved and worth it. I know that. I know that I am going to stumble sometimes, get or give hurt feelings or all-out fuck something up, and I am okay with that intellectually. It just seems to be missing the emotional mark lately.

I want my emotions to catch up and keep up.